Fighting Isolation and the Winter Blues . . .

     It's getting to be pretty tough being out here on the island when almost everyone I know in Korea is on vacation and traveling outside the country.  My best friend won't be back until March 1st, and that has really hit me hard as I can't hang out with her on weekends.  And the other friends and acquaintances I have are also not around to talk to on my cellphone during the cold, lonely, and gloomy days out here on Ganghwa island.

      I have been watching movies a lot, reading a lot of books, and trying to socialize a bit more with the two or three Korean teachers that are in my home school--yet it is just not the same as spending time with people from Canada or America or other countries who speak English fluently, and who understand the Western cultural lifestyle and attitudes.  I find that it really really sucks that the last two months of my contract out here on this island will be the most isolated, and the most lonely, of the entire year.  I think that I will try to attack this problem head-on, and this weekend when I go into Seoul, I will try and meet some new foreign people, and make some new friends--and proactively strike a blow at this isolation that is trying to beat me into submission, and break my spirit.

      My first winter camp ends this Friday.  It's been okay as far as teaching English goes.  I began the camp with a list of rules that I wanted the students to follow . . . and quickly realized that I had to bend and adapt a fair bit to the group of 18 students that I was working with.  Korean students are highly skilled in the art of "classroom guerilla warfare."  They quickly assess their opponent, me, and decide what rules they will challenge, and attempt to overthrow, and what rules they must follow.  I had tried to put in place an English only rule, no speaking Korean, in the classroom, but realized very fast that unless I was willing to expend an enormous amount of energy, and waste a lot of classroom time, on enforcing the million tiny breakings of the rule, that I would just have to let it go.  As always, power is something that is negotiated, and I let the students know that as long as they tried to learn the English, and participated in the games and activities and lessons I was doing, that I'd let the other rules slide . . . and it seems to have been fairly successful.  Summer camps are a completely different kind of learning environment, and I learned a lesson of my own at this camp that you cannot plan nor expect the same kind of educational goals for English when it is a winter camp.  Lesson learned, and for the next winter camps I will definitely do something very different.

      I have found in the past that when I feel depressed, and am having a hard time being positive, that it is very helpful to make a list of as many positives as I can at the end of each day.  1.  I was lazy and slept in a little today.  2.  I got to eat lunch in the privacy and quiet of my apartment today  3.  I read my new novel that I bought on Monday, and had a relaxing and easy afternoon.  4.  I am healthy, and don't have a cold or winter-flu.  5.  There is actually some sun outside right now, and it is making the island a little less gloomy and lonely feeling.  6.  I had fun playing Scrabble today with a group of middle school girls in my class.  7.  I am working at a job that gives me intangible rewards at the end of each day, and I am not working in a retail management job that has brutal hours, high stress, and crappy pay.  8.  I only have 58 days to go till I get a new apartment and will live in a city. 9.  A friend of mine called yesterday to invite me to go for supper (I had to say no due to travel time, but at least she remembered me, and called me, that was nice).  10. My future looks good, and can only get better once I leave the island.

     Today, as I walked through the hallway of my school, I thought about what "home" means to me, as I had just recently visited Canada during the first two weeks of January.  I realized that for me, the city that my parents live in now, and that I had lived in for almost 20 years, no longer felt like home to me.  That there was just too much memory baggage; too much pain and heartbreak from my seven year relationship, and it's ending there; too much personal history layered over every street, building, and school I had attended there; and too many memories and ghosts lingering within every space that I would walk through trying to live my life each day while I was back.  I realized that, for me, I would never again see London as my home city. 

    I still see Canada as my home country, but I now realize that I could make a life for myself almost anywhere in the world, and be happy.  I am now considering that I could do my graduate work, my Master's Degree, and later the Phd, in another country.  I think that I would one day like to settle down in Canada, but that I don't see that happening in the next five to ten years--a rather long and considerable period of my life, when I think about how much time that is in the big picture.  I think that as long as I have a good job, good income, and good people in my life, that home will be wherever I happen to be at any moment--and right now, Korea is my home, and will be for the next two or three years . . .

     Living in the moment, and using mindfulness to shape each moment as a positive one, is something I have read a great deal about in Buddhist books.  I think that I will adopt that as my life philosophy for the next little while . . . and for those of you who read this blog fairly often, you will probably smile at that as I seem to shift my "life philosophy" periodically as I try to overcome, adapt, and live my life here in Korea in a way that keeps me happy and healthy . . .

Jason

You Can Never Go Back . . .

       So, I went back to visit with my old co-workers at Sears, where I had worked during the four years I was in university.  They were all quite friendly, and shocked at how much weight I had lost, my shaved head, and my pierced ears.  It was quite funny.  I was glad that I went to see them, but I think for most of them I was just a nice distraction from the daily monotony of working in retail.  I spent longer periods talking to the few people I had always felt were genuine, and then I left the store to run some errands.

     On the Friday at the end of my first week back in Canada I went to see the Canadian recruiter that had hired me in Toronto.  I wanted to meet with him to talk about my second contract, and he wanted to talk to me about my experiences teaching and living in Incheon Province as it was the first year he was placing teachers in that area, and there were issues he needed to know about to try and make improvements.  I was also glad to go down to Toronto as I would stay for the weekend with my sister, and it got me out of my old room at my parents place.

     The meeting went well with my recruiter.  At the end of it, he pulled out a map of Korea, and asked me to point out some locations where I would like to work for my next contract.  I guess the general rule is that if you live, work, and survive for a year on an island in Korea, or a very remote and rural place, you pretty much have earned the right to choose where you go if you re-sign.  That made me very happy to hear.

     After the meeting I went and met my sister to head back to her place.  That night she took me out to a poetry journal launch.  She wanted me to meet the crowd she is in school with.  Strictly speaking for myself, for the most part they were the most boring, stiff, and tedious bunch I had ever met in Academia.  It was a good thing I was drinking, as that helped make it tolerable.  Early on in the evening, I scoped out the room, and saw two people who no one else was really taking an interest in--something that I was feeling too.  I guess as I was not in the department, nor involved in the politics and schmoozing bullshit, no one thought I was worth the time or effort.  So I went over and introduced myself to the two people who looked like kindred spirits. 

    One was from the Caribbean, and had just finished a degree in Art at Ryerson.  The other was a film studies major doing his MA, if I remember correctly.  We clicked right away, and spent the rest of the evening talking about politics, cultures and films, and travel.  It made the evening actually quite nice, and I was happy I met them.

     Saturday and Sunday were fairly uneventful.  I just spent time hanging out with my sister, and we watched several movies and the first season of an awesome tv show called "Carnivale."  Of my mother, father, and sister, I am closest to my sister, and I wish we did not have such a large distance between us while I am in living and working here. 

     The second week that I was back in Canada was filled with more visits to have lunch with Professors I keep in touch with at my university.  I had lunch with my Feminist Literary Theory Prof, and told her about my ambitions to teach at a university over here in my third year, and how I wanted to make an "Intro to Western Cultural Feminisms" and teach it.  I also had lunch with the Professor who had written me a reference letter for my interview to come here, and that letter had made me cry it was so nice. She was also great, and I had excellent conversation with both professors. 

     The rest of my time in Canada was spent trying to eat food that didn't make my body have hot flashes, and feel crappy for four or five hours afterwards--even the healthy vegetables and meats did that . . . my family physician when I went to see her for a checkup suggested perhaps it was the different starches and fats . . . and perhaps she's right.  I think I eat traditional korean food so often out here on the island that my system really has, in a way, become almost korean.

     One of the best places I went back to visit was the place where I was assistant-manager: Jean Machine.  It sells designer jeans and clubbing clothes.  I saw my old manager, and I got him to find me two pairs of jeans that looked fantastic on me, and two designer shirts that were awesome too.  The bill was rather steep for the four pieces, but I had not worn jeans in a long time due to my weight gain back in Canada, and in Korea, once I'd lost a lot of weight, it was still almost impossible to find good designer jeans that would fit my body type.  I was really happy to find those clothes.  

     It was also great to see my friend and old manger.  I was sad to learn that he was only two months into a breakup of the 11 year relationship he had had, and commiserated with him about suffering, grief, and loss.  I think that seeing him helped me put into perspective how hard it is to lose a lover that you thought you'd be with for your whole life.  And I hope that he felt that I was a good listener, (he said so), and I hope that I helped him in some small way to deal with his grief too.

     My time with my parents, though, was ok, but not great.  I found out that they had been telling my sister they wanted me to spend more time with them while they were home in the evenings after work.  But to them, what "spending time with them" means is sitting in the living room while my father watches his evening line up of tv shows and game shows, while my mother would stare at me (and not talk, rather creepy, sorry mom), or sleep due to exhaustion from a combination of the chronic illness that she has and working all day doing management retail--quite frankly, not the most alluring thing for me and how I like to spend my time.  To me, spending time with someone means REAL INTERACTION, dialogue, etc, not shared time in front of tv.  I mean, that's ok, if that is not the ONLY thing you do with that person, but all too often that is what it means to spend time with my parents. .. . .

     At the end of the second week, I made the daring decision to walk into my University book store.  The reason that this is daring was that I did not want to buy a million books that I could not bring back with me to Korea, and I already had a pile of books waiting to shove into my suitcases.  I knew that if I looked in the bookstore that I would see several titles that it would be torture to walk away from, and not take home with me.  After picking up seven titles, worth over 400.00 canadian dollars, I forced myself to put down six, and only bought a 35.00 book--a personal record for me, and I am shocked that I was able to do so with a titanic effort.

     As it was, I had to pay an extra 50.00 US for the extra weight from the 20 or so books I brought back with me in my suitcases on the trip back . . . .
Jason

Back in My Room in Canada,

     Walking back into my room in Canada at my parent's place really really sucked--and I wish that it hadn't.  I realized, after the first week back, that the problem was that I had not had enough time to make new positive memories to cover up the old memories of the last seven years with my ex-girlfriend.  There had only been a four month period after the breakup,and before I left for Korea, in which to try and make new experiences and memories; it was not enough to erase, or even cover up the pain and negative memories, and even worse all of the wonderful moments we had in my room, and other places in the city.

      So, for the first week I was back in my hometown, I was really depressed.  There were far too many things in my room that reminded me of the good, and bad, memories of my ex.  Even the furniture had memories that would jump out at me late at night when I'd just be watching tv, and trying to veg-out.

     The straw that broke this camel's back, however, happened two days into staying at my parent's place in my old room.  I had called my ex, and left a message, asking her when she wanted to meet to have coffee and catch up.  I had actually not been looking forward to it, as she had not been treating me very nicely on MSN for the latter part of November, and almost all of December. 

     And I was still angry with her for sending me an email two days before Xmas, telling me that she was now in a new relationship with a guy she had started dating.  It was rather a big shock to me for a couple of reasons.  We'd been keeping things open-ended in our conversations about how we might feel when we saw each other again for the first time since our breakup when I got back to Canada, and how each of us had been losing weight, and becoming a lot happier, etc, and that in a way, each of us was a different person now. 

      So, when she sent me that email, I was rather angry.  And then, back in Canada, I call her.  She is not home.  I wait a day for a return call, and she calls while I am out of the house.  She emails me, and suddenly there is a list of rules for our meeting.  Basically, I am being told what I can and can't talk about if she let's me see her--nuh-uh.  I reply, telling her that yes, I wanted to have a pleasant conversation too, but if something comes up that I want to say to her I am not going to deny that, or pretend to be another person for her.  She kept repeating her new life philosophy of "just be."  And I pointed out that the acting out of that little gem might just include discussions that are not happy, but that friends let their friends say what they need to, and if it makes them unhappy, we work through it, and move on.

     She sends me back an email.  In it she accused me of not taking an interest in her life in Canada, of it always being about me, etc.  I reply that if she really wanted me to, I could send her emails from my Gmail archive with highlighted sections where I had asked her questions, and how her response emails had gaping holes in the replies to my questions.  Or that I could send her MSN conversations that I had saved where the same thing had happened . . . she just refused to acknowledge that she had been hiding from me the development and details of her new relationship.  Just as when she had told me at the beginning of November that I 'knew in my gut that she was not the woman for me'--a rather bizarre projection of her own realization (that I was not the right man for her), but one that she didn't want to take responsibility for, or communicate in a mature fashion about ... .

     Anyway, to make a long and tedious story short--ER . . . she told me that I 'just didn't get it,' that I was 'not mature enough' or being 'positive enough' to see her, and that since I couldn't 'just be' that she felt it was not a good idea for us to get together.  But before she says all of this Postmodern New Age bullshit, she tells me that I was right, that a lot of her behaviour towards me, that I had written about in an email, was disrespectful, and that her accusations were wrong . . . so, yeah, apparently, I got to be her emotional punching-bag for her grief over putting our cat to sleep because he was attacking her while she slept and she couldn't get him to stop, and all of the left-over anger she had towards me from our breakup, and her personal issues.  The thing that drives me nuts about all of this is that I allowed myself to be subjected to her bullshit routines, and emotionally violent way of treating me.  Me, the dominant personality leader type . . . it still shocks me that I consistently made the choices that allowed her to treat me so badly.

      So, I had a really rough night after I read that email.  I got really drunk, and listened to my new Il Divo cd--which was a bad idea as some of the songs were about love, heartbreak, etc.  Around one in the morning, I just broke down and cried for a long time; I hadn't done that since my cat was put down by her, and I think that I still had grief left over from that, and more sadness as I realized that the woman I thought I still loved no longer exists . . .

Jason

In Canada . . . (Friday December 30th, evening in Toronto),

     So, I get to my sister and her boyfriends' place, and what do I go and do?  I decide to commit suicide-by-Canadian-fast food within the first six hours of being back.  I had not wanted to eat fast food at all while I was back, but as my sister was the host, and paying, I just said yes.  So, after consuming a  Harvey's hamburger, french fries, and coke I was in agony for about four hours . . . dumbass!

     I crashed from fatigue around 10pm, but then woke up at 4am, and couldn't go back to sleep.  I got up and shaved my head and face (lol, that sounds weird), and then read a novel.

     It was Saturday December 31st, and I went with my sister to buy some booze for New Year's and get some munchies for the small party she was having that night.  Later, I took a Go-Train to meet a friend of mine who was doing her Master's at UofToronto.  We had planned that we would watch movies, have some drinks, and hang out and catch up that night.  I had originally wanted to go out clubbing in Toronto, and really really wanted to check out some of the live dj-rave clubs . . . but I knew I'd be too tired from the flight.

     So, my friend and I watched some movies, had some pizza, and munched on veggies and dip.  I bought a bottle of Canadian Crown Royal Rye, and got a little drunk.  My friend beat me at Trivial Pursuit (by cheating--don't deny it, you know I was the real winner, ha!), and we had a good time catching up.  We exchanged xmas gifts, and she gave me some very nice presents (Paul Coelho's "The Alchemist"), and she liked the Korean paper-mache lamp I had brought back for her; I was very happy I had chosen to spend New Year's hanging out with her. 

     The next day, after a night of passion and debauchery--NOT, but one can always fantasize--lol--I got a ride back to my sister's place.  My parents were driving down from their city to meet us for lunch, and to exchange xmas gifts. 

     It was nice to see my mother and father after almost ten months.  And we all sat down and had a nice lunch, and then opened each other's xmas gifts.  We spent the afternoon catching up, and then I left Toronto to go back with my parents to their house in London.

Jason